By Lauren V. Macaraeg #LaurenMacDoodles
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I wish to live a long, full & meaningful life so I am undergoing a journey of physical & mental healing with God’s help through my #Live4Infinity #LifeProject. Dear family and friends, you don’t have to actively help me get well, but you can help me simply by letting me help myself. You can also help by praying for me & Mama Uni. I am seeking physical healing because I have high blood pressure/hypertension and heart palpitations, which in themselves would not be serious if I could take medicines, but I am allergic to certain medicines for these conditions so it’s a little complicated. My cardiologist informed me that I am vulnerable to heart attack, stroke or aneurysm if my blood pressure suddenly shoots up and I cannot take medicine to lower it. My doctor advised me to take care of my health and to avoid stressors. I have also recently experienced the return of mental health challenges, such as depression and anxiety disorder, which the Lord has already helped me overcome many years ago. Although there are also physical factors involved, my mental health conditions, such as depression and social anxiety, are related to my physical condition, and vice versa. Emotional stress and panic attacks have often triggered my hypertension and heart palpitations.
The main reasons why I am experiencing physical and mental health challenges is a combination of our life challenges & problems and responsibilities & tiredness, imbalance in my social life and social pressure, and last but definitely not least, my own self and my own personal life choices.
With God’s help, I am now trying to improve my health through physical efforts and social life changes. And while I am not requiring anyone to help me actively, I will request that you please help me help myself simply by being understanding and by not pressuring me or my mom, since social pressure is one of my main stressors. It’s alright naman to ask and request if I can do something for you, just please don’t pressure me to do so. I will try to help you if I can, but if I can’t, I hope you can try to understand. I really need to minimize the pressure in my life for my health’s sake. Please be understanding now that I am not that active in the real-life social world and in social media, with the exception of work (coming soon!) and a few special occasions. During this period, please understand if there are times when I cannot fulfill some of your requests, accept some of your invitations, reply to most of your messages, react to almost all of your posts, share our photos, and more. (I feel especially sad for not being able to greet a lot of people on their birthdays this 2018. Pasensiya na). I really do wish I could accommodate everyone, but I need to minimize my activities for the sake of my health and well-being.
Please don’t be alarmed by this post. I am writing this, not because I feel hopeless, but because I am doing what I can to get better in faith, so I can live longer and so we can have the chance to all be together again in the future.
If there is anything I did to hurt any of you, mostly unintentionally but also perhaps a few intentionally (kung meron man that I’ve forgotten), please forgive me. If there is anything you have done to hurt me, mostly unintentionally I believe and maybe a few intentionally, I forgive you, or at least I am in the process of doing so.
Because we have shared so much more good memories than otherwise, thank you, thank you for all the precious memories, my family and friends. This post about challenges and pain and forgiveness may be long, but wait until you see my thanksgiving book which I pray and plan to write someday! That will be way, way longer than this because, although there is pain in my life, there is much more blessings and beauty overall. And those blessings of God come mostly in the form of people (and animals, like Cutie the Cat and the Cute-ings!) in my life. At kayo iyon. Thank you for being there for me in happy times and in sad times over the years. Thank you for teaching me to value myself by valuing me. Thank you for your constant love that instilled a strong foundation of self-respect in me since childhood that cannot fully be shaken by storms even up to now that I am already an adult. Thank you for reaching out to me in the past, even during the time when I was not capable of reaching out to anyone yet. Thank you for all the love, forgiveness, time, presence, laughter, tears, food, gifts, rides, craziness, and so much more. All of these, all of you, are still a part of me, even if I may not be as visible these days as I used to be.
Sometimes, I wish I could be the person most of you have been used to the past few years: the bubbly, happy, energetic social butterfly. But in one sense, that person is gone. In another sense, that’s a very good thing, because something new in me has now come alive. The past few months when I have been under the radar, I feel like a new person has emerged from the dead shell of my old self. So, in one sense, this is goodbye. And in another sense, it’s hello again. In faith, let’s pray that, when I return again to my social circles someday (to those na may babalikan pa ako anyway), I will be a better, stronger, and truly happier person in Christ.
Many things have changed, but one thing remains the same: I still love you all. Please pray that the Lord will teach me new, healthier ways of showing this love again someday. Let’s have a fresh start.
May God watch us all. Jesus loves us all.
Meowhugs,
Lauren 😻❤️💃🌳🌞🌊🌸👧🤗🐈
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That’s the summary and gist of my post. Most of you can just read the summary above. Just in case you would like to know more about my healing journey, read on below to see what I have written about the who, what, when, where, why and how of my #Live4Infinity #LifeProject, my physical and mental health challenges, my efforts to improve my health with God’s help, and for those who want to help, the ways that you can do so.
The main reasons why I am writing this are obedience to God’s leading, for the sake of other people (for relatives and friends who genuinely care and who would like to know more, for those who have loved ones who are going through similar physical and mental health challenges, and for those who are personally experiencing physical and mental health conditions and those who feel sad and overwhelmed by too much problems and pressure), and simply for myself.
Heads up that this is longer than my usual posts. I thought about splitting it up in different posts but I decided that it would be better to have everything in one place, so that it case some people have questions, it’s all consolidated here.
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THE WHO, WHAT, WHEN, WHERE, WHY & HOW OF MY #LIVE4INFINITY #LIFEPROJECT
I. WHO ARE THE REASONS BEHIND #LIVE4INFINITY #LIFEPROJECT?
The original reason why I started to minimize my social activities and ministry activities was because my mother Uni has been experiencing health challenges and I wanted more time to assist her in her activities to lessen her stress. However, I myself unexpectedly started experiencing physical and mental health challenges soon afterwards. The idea of my #Live4Infinity #LifeProject was born as I thought of ways to change and improve my health and my life.
II. WHAT IS #LIVE4INFINITY #LIFEPROJECT?
I started my simple, personal #Live4Infinity #LifeProject as a way to try to take care of my own physical, mental and spiritual well-being with the Lord’s help and as a way to encourage others who are going through similar struggles at the same time.
III. WHAT ARE MY MENTAL HEALTH CHALLENGES?
I have recently experienced the return of mental health challenges, such as depression and anxiety disorder, which the Lord has already helped me overcome many years ago. To be honest, it felt discouraging when I realized I have to deal with these mental conditions again, but I have to trust that God will help me overcome them again in the future, in the same way that He did in the past.
IV. WHAT ARE MY PHYSICAL HEALTH CHALLENGES?
As I shared above, I have high blood pressure/hypertension and heart palpitations, which in themselves would not be serious if I could take medicines, but it’s a little complicated since I am allergic to certain medicines for these conditions. According to my cardiologist, I am potentially vulnerable to heart attack, stroke or aneurysm if my blood pressure suddenly shoots up and I cannot take medicine to lower it (so please pray that we will be able to find a compatible medicine later on, in case of emergencies). My doctor recommends that I take good care of my health and avoid stressors. Although there are also physical factors involved, my mental health conditions, such as depression and social anxiety, are related to my physical condition, and vice versa. Emotional stress and panic attacks have often triggered my hypertension and heart palpitations.
I originally had no plans of sharing these medical details. However, I feel like I have to do so in the hopes that other people will take it more seriously when I request that they please stop pressuring me because I really need to minimize my stress levels further for my health’s sake.
V. WHEN & WHERE DID I START EXPERIENCING HEALTH CHALLENGES?
My health gradually declined during 2017, until it came to point that I became alarmed enough with what was happening to my health that I finally started getting checkups during the later part of 2017, since I go to checkups only if I feel it is absolutely necessary. It was the time when I realized that things could not stay the same; I had to do something to improve my health. And so, I am currently living out my #Live4Infinity #LifeProject here in the Philippines.
VI. WHY AM I EXPERIENCING HEALTH CHALLENGES?
There are a lot of factors why I am experiencing physical and mental health challenges, but overall, I believe it’s because of a combination of our life challenges & problems and responsibilities & tiredness, imbalance in my social life and social pressure, and last but definitely not least, my own self and my own personal life choices.
A. OUR LIFE CHALLENGES & PROBLEMS AND RESPONSIBILITIES & TIREDNESS
1. Life Challenges and Problems.
My Mama Uni and I have faced and continue to face a lot of life challenges and problems together over the years. A lot. We have financial problems, health problems, family problems, and more. No need to share the details. We are normally private people when it comes to personal problems so we rarely post about them publicly, even during the time I was still very active in social media. Pero di niyo lang alam, marami kaming pinagdadaanan. And it’s been especially difficult lately since sunud-sunod ang dating ng trials and challenges kaya parang there’s not enough time to fully recover in between the arrival of problems. Perhaps the stress from the continuous barrage of problems has affected my physical and mental health.
My mom and I do our best to be there for our family and friends in their ups and downs, yet there are times when it is just the two of us who have to face our own ups and downs. Of course, we are thankful for our many kind relatives, friends, staff and colleagues who have been there for us in our ups and downs over the years, but we do not ask for help unless absolutely necessary, so there are also times when it’s just the two of us. Since we try to be there for others simply because we love them, at hindi dahil sa utang na loob to those who have always been there for us or dahil naghihintay kami ng kapalit sa iba, we do not expect you to help us all the time, pero sana naman at least give us the chance to help ourselves when we have to, kasi minsan ay kami lang din ang tutulong sa sarili namin. I know and understand that it’s easy to forget this, since my mom and I are commonly known as cheerful and positive people, but just because we smile a lot, it doesn’t mean that we don’t have challenges at all. Please bear in mind that there are also times when we are going through our problems also, so there may be times when we cannot always do what you expect us to do (even though we still try!). During particularly difficult days, we may not be able to be there for you, not because we don’t care anymore, but simply because we need to face our own challenges too. So while it’s alright to request us to do something, it would really help if you please ask and request properly, instead of taking it for granted that we are always in a position to assist others. We also know that many of you simply ask us for help because we mutually care for each other a lot. We have both always been willing to do what we can for each other. We know many of you will help us at the drop of a hat, as you’ve proven over the years, and you know that we are also willing to rush to you to do the same in times of trouble (well, my mom always has been willing anyway haha. Ako, for the past decade lang). However, life has not been easy the past few years. While we may always be willing to help – at di naman nagbago iyon – we may not always be physically, mentally or financially capable of doing so every single time.
I am now sharing that my mom and I have our own problems also, not out of self-pity, but simply as a reminder to others that we are also just humans with our own ups and downs.
2. Responsibilities & Tiredness.
I am a freelance writer and I may not have a full-time job officially, but in terms of actual work, it’s practically as if I have two full-time jobs unofficially. As imperfect as I am, I have been trying my best to help out my mom the past several years, and I usually just squeeze in my freelance writing work only after I’ve done my tasks for my mom for the day. Since Mama Uni is my mom and best friend and I’m her daughter, I didn’t feel the need to talk or post about it before whenever I do something for her. I just do what I can for her, in the same way that she does whatever she can for me. Love namin ang isa’t isa, kahit minsan ay nagkukulitan kami haha. However, I’m writing about this now since my mom is especially requesting me to do so. It bothers her that other people wonder why I say I am tired since they misunderstand that I am not doing anything at all. To be honest, while I’m not exactly happy when people misunderstand me or judge me, I don’t really feel the need to post about it to defend myself since I already know the truth. But because it really bothers my mom, let me post what Mama Uni wants to say: “Si Lauren ang sumasalo ng ibang gagawin ko dahil pagod at stressed ako sa trabaho. Siya ang nag-aasikaso ng lahat ng paperwork ng business, nag-ma-manual labor kung kailangan, nag-su-supervise, nag-ru-run ng errands, namimili pag di ko kayang mag-grocery, nag-de-deliver ng pagkain, at siya ang nag-a-absorb pag meron akong problema.” I would also like to add: “Sinisingit ko lang ang pagsusulat at pag-e-edit ko kapag tapos ko na ang lahat ng gagawin ko para kay Mama. At para kay Cutie the Cat haha!”
Even up to now that I’m trying to seek physical and mental healing, I still willingly do my best to fulfill all my responsibilities out of love for my mom and our staff and out of love for my own writing craft, which is why my life can get tiring and draining at times. While I am now taking a social break, I still rarely get a chance to have a physical break. Perhaps my physical and mental exhaustion over the years have been affecting my physical and mental health.
B. IMBALANCE IN MY SOCIAL LIFE AND SOCIAL PRESSURE
I was blessed to grow up with full support from my parents, family and friends. I was used to almost everyone in my small circle being there for me all the time that I took their presence and support for granted as a child and a teenager. Fear and bitterness had blinded the eyes of my heart. I even pushed people away in the past. It was only as an adult that the Lord taught me (almost forced me lol) through difficult circumstances to gradually learn how to appreciate my family and friends (a long story that deserves to be told on its own). And I thank God for opening my eyes and heart since I was able to enjoy several years of renewed relationships with my Mama Uni and my dad, Papa Boy, my relatives, and my old friends and to form new friendships with new friends. For almost a decade, I felt so rich in terms of friendship and emotional support of my family and friends that I was genuinely happy being single. During that golden era, I even told myself I wouldn’t mind being single all my days since okay na okay na ako. For real! However, my social situation has radically changed over the past few years huhu.
For most of my life, I used to only have a relatively small circle of family and friends (yung mga nagtiyaga lol). Still, there was the highest quality in the small quantity of people in my life during that time. Our relationships weren’t perfect, but we had genuine friendship, real conversations, crazy laughter, and deep concern in the midst of friendly joking. However, the past three years, only several years after I started appreciating my family and friends, my social landscape started to change. Many of my old core people – my close relatives and friends – are now living in faraway places, are married and/or have kids, are going through their own challenges, are busy, or they simply have changed. Although I will always cherish our relationships and our old memories, kasi siyempre di naman mawawala ang pinagsamahan namin, things are just not the same anymore. Now, I do understand that change is a part of life. I myself have changed in character and circumstances in different ways over the years. And in the past, I have adjusted fairly well to various changes in my social landscape. However, this seems to be one of the most difficult adjustment periods for me.
I am only opening up about this recently, because for a long time, I didn’t want to admit, even to myself, that I was no longer okay. I know I am still blessed because, even up to now, a lot of people still care for me and make a lot of efforts for me. I felt that I would be ungrateful if I acknowledged, even to myself, that I was unhappy about certain things in my current situation. But I now understand that it’s okay to admit that I sometimes feel hurt and mad, because it’s simply a part of life.
Please don’t think that I don’t appreciate all of you wonderful people in my life and all the wonderful ways you’ve showed you cared. Overall, there’s much more love and joy in my heart than pain and hurt, although it might seem otherwise because of my long analysis of the latter in this post. Let me clarify that I am only writing and sharing the following things below as part of the healing process. I want to unburden my heart of these thoughts and feelings as an important step of the healing process, since I’ve repressed these emotions and thoughts for several years. And then I plan to forgive, let go, and move forward. So here we go:
1. I’m Receiving Too Little Emotional Support Lately, But I’m Expected to Give a Lot of Emotional Support Just Like Before.
Before, even if there were changes in my life, there was still balance in terms of emotional support. Even if some supportive people left, there were still enough supportive individuals and groups who remained in my life. And sometimes, the Lord would also bring new friends into my life, not to replace the old friends’ spot in my heart, but to give similar support and to carve a new spot in my growing heart. These past three years, however, my old support networks, although they have not completely disappeared, have significantly waned and faded away, without enough new support networks to take their place. In terms of proportion, masyadong dumami ang people who relied on me for emotional support than those who gave me emotional support/those who we mutually gave each other emotional support. It’s ironic though since this was also the time when my social circle had grown and ballooned in terms of quantity to the point that people started calling me a social butterfly. Pero hindi balanced eh. I’m not talking about balance as in give-and-take, as in expecting something in return for the friendship that I give. I’m alright if not everyone in my life gives me emotional support, as long as there are some key people who give me support. In short, I don’t need support from everyone, but I do need support from someone. And for many years, carry ko naman ang pag-reach out to others in my own simple way, by God’s grace, kasi I felt that I’ve had more than enough friendship and support from important people in my life kaya I could also give others friendship and support. In fairness, meron pa rin naman akong natatanggap na emotional support, siguro lang it’s just not as much as I was used to receiving. Perhaps the emotional support I’ve received recently hasn’t felt like it’s enough also because I was expected to give more and more emotional support during the past several years. It’s simply that I can’t give what I don’t have. Yes, as a Christian, I know that we will always have the Lord’s support, which I am thankful for. Still, I’m only human, and I miss the joy and strength that human friendships give.
2. I’ve Enjoyed Too Little Conversations, and I’ve Been Expected to Listen to Too Many Monologues the Past Few Years.
I have been missing honest-to-goodness conversations the past few years. Kung kailan ang dami kong kakilala, dun naman halos wala ako talagang makausap ng maayos. I used to enjoy all types of conversations for most of my life – ranging from thoughtful and spiritual talks to intellectual and creative discussions to my favorite crazy and silly chickahans and tawanans – yet I have had too little conversations to participate in and too much monologues to listen to instead the past three years. And while you know that I genuinely wanted to listen to what my friends and relatives had to say, I believe a healthy friendship is one where you take turns in listening to each other. I understand that it’s normal for people to say monologues sometimes, lalo pag may pinagdadaanan sila – even I occasionally need close friends to listen to my rants and raves – but if someone never, ever wants to listen to me or is never, ever interested in what I have to say… well, I can still consider it a type of friendship, not because it is my idea of friendship, but only because I choose to do so because I care for the other person.
3. Too Many People Expect Me to Be a Supporting Character in Their Own World, Yet Too Few People Help Me Rebuild My Crumbling World, or At Least Give Me Space and Time so I Can Start Doing So.
As a child and as a teenager, close friends and relatives willingly and voluntarily helped me build my world. I didn’t even have to ask! As I grew older, I also learned how to help others build their worlds in my own small ways. Even as time passed and we each became busy with our own lives, I still felt like I was connected to my family and friends, especially because of the never-ending invitations for Mama Uni and me to special events in other people’s lives. And my mom and I truly, deeply appreciate that a lot of you want us to be part of your special occasions and milestones, which is why we gave and continue to give our best efforts to be present to your events. However, it just dawned on me recently that there are now fewer people compared to before who make an effort to be there for us in our ups and downs, who are willing to be part of my mom’s world and my world. And while that’s fine and understandable, since there are different levels of friendship, I just felt sad knowing that I am now, in a sense, more alone than I ever was. I felt this keenly during the few times when my mom was rushed to the E.R. the past few years… and for most of those times, it was just me and my mom together. I felt so alone and helpless and tired during those times. I felt weak, and I felt like I had no one I could lean on, but I still had to try to be strong for my mom’s sake. I just realized that, while my friends and relatives and I still care for each other, it’s mostly for old time’s sake, and that I barely have any active deep friendships at present. I just realized that, while I am still blessed to have my parents and close relatives and a few close friends, I don’t really have a core group of friends anymore. In one sense, I know it’s just part of growing up (although I thought I would be much older before I started experiencing this! I’m just a tita, not yet a lola. Haha). But in another sense, I believe it’s also partially my fault, which I’ll explain in another section. Still, to be physically alone, while lonely at times, would have been fine with me since I enjoy my own company. The difficult part is that, while I don’t have much of the joy of friendship anymore, I’m still expected by many to fulfill the responsibilities of friendship, regardless if I’m doing okay at the moment or not. If there were still just a limited number of people in my life, carry naman siguro, but as I’ve shared, my social circle has ballooned and expanded so much that I have been spending so much time in a whirlwind of social activities the past few years, trying to be there for everyone and neglecting my own self in the long run.
4. Too Many People Ask Me to Do Things, But Too Few People Ask Me How I Am.
When I was a kid, I was so self-centered that I rarely did things for other people voluntarily. When I started appreciating my family and friends as an adult, I wanted to do something for them, not because I wanted to win their love or approval, but because I was thankful for the love that they had already showed me and because I wanted to show them that I loved them too. I started volunteering to help organize parties for family members and close friends – as a host, game master, photographer, décor planner, etc. (My mom was often in charge of the food, and I would also help her out if needed). I also started doing writing, proofreading, and editing work for others. I started out doing these simple things joyfully. I was glad to be able to do something, anything for the people I care for, even if they are just small things compared to the bigger help that other people can offer. Seeing the bright smiles and sparkling eyes of others, especially children and old people, when I try to make them feel loved and special brought joy to my heart. And as the years went by, as people saw that I willingly and happily carried out my simple tasks, more and more people requested me to do things. However, things gradually grew overwhelming as my social circle grew and expanded. Some people started to take it for granted that I would do my volunteer work any time and every time, sometimes without even asking how I was doing, even when I happened not to be feeling well at that time. I know this is not intentional on the part of most people, but the social pressure still makes me feel sad, and well, very pressured. Again, if there were still just a limited number of people in my life, it wouldn’t be so difficult to fulfill everyone’s requests. But please keep in my mind, that on top of my five family groups, I also have assorted groups of family friends, school friends, work friends, church friends, etc. I can’t even count how many! And so while most people usually just request me to do simple things (with the occasional major requests), there are a lot of people who request me to do various tasks. Upon reflection, I realized that I have been spending time fulfilling requests from one or two or more persons each week for the past several years! That’s a lot of time, when you combine everything together. I realized that I have been spending so much time doing simple things, but a lot of them, for different people, that I haven’t given much time to prioritize my own health and needs the past several years. (And my mom is the same! She’s always doing things for other people, even more than me. Mana ata ako sa kanya, pero ibang level pa rin siya haha). I have to admit that I am starting to lose my joy over doing volunteer work, not because I don’t love you guys or I don’t want to make others happy anymore, but simply because of the exhaustion and the pressure. I hope and pray that taking a break from volunteer work for the meantime will help me recover my joy in doing it again someday. I want to help others out of the overflow of love and joy in my heart again in the future, not because I feel pressured by others to do so.
5. Too Many People Treat Me Like an Entertainment Machine or a Typewriter or a Shock Absorber or Even Superwoman, But Too Few People Remember That I am Just Human Like You.
I am thankful that a lot of people appreciate my talents and that a lot of people trust my judgment. But please remember that I’m a human being with feelings too, not a superhero who doesn’t get tired or sad. I’m a human being, not just a host, clown, game master, writer, confidante, counselor, shock absorber, and more, whose services are available at the press of a button. Again, I know it is not intentional on the part of most people, but it still makes me feel sad when people treat me like an object, and not like a fellow human being. It has gotten so draining, how some people contact me only when they need something… then they ignore my reply when they either already got what they needed from me or when they realized they won’t get what they need from me. Kahit sila yung unang nag-message in the first place! I don’t mind if people make requests from me, pero nakakalungkot lang yung manner in which people often do so, without basic respect and courtesy. It makes feel doubly disappointed and embarrassed, when some people ask for introductions to my other friends or relatives as part of their requests, then they are also dismissive or disrespectful, not just of me, but also of the people I introduced them to. I understand that it’s normal to communicate more frequently with people when you are helping them with something or when they are helping you with something (yes, even I ask people for help too sometimes) because you need to coordinate with each other. Pero even if you don’t communicate as frequently when you are not coordinating about a project, you can still treat others like human beings during the few times you interact. I’ve gradually learned that it’s rapidly becoming a modern cultural habit not to show basic good manners when communicating via social messaging, so I try not to take it personally when people are rude. I’m sure there are also times when I am unintentionally rude myself (although at least I feel bad about it when I do). Still, the repeated unpleasant social experiences have taken its toll on me. I’m not proud of it, but I want to open up that I have recently developed a trauma of social messaging, so that you will understand why I am not very active in social messaging at present. I sometimes dread to open PMs because I don’t think I can handle too much requests and rudeness at the moment. Some of the past messages have actually triggered panic attacks in me, which sometimes led to high blood pressure. Please don’t take it personally if I don’t reply to most messages for now. I’ll try to get back to everyone’s messages when I’m much better someday. I’m already starting to do it little by little, as practice for my future return to the wonderful (toinks!) world of social messaging.
6. A Lot of People Like Me, But Few People Respect Me. A Lot of People Like Me, But Few People are Concerned with My Well-being as a Person.
I am very thankful that a lot of people like me. (Of course, there are a few exceptions, but that’s normal. I normally get along with the majority of people in most groups I encounter. But perhaps as God’s way to keep me from being too comfortable, there is usually one or two persons in each social or work circle who makes my life difficult haha). I am very thankful that a lot of people are nice to me. I really am, because sometimes I don’t understand why magaan agad ang loob ng maraming tao sa akin almost everywhere I go, then and now. I’ll just consider it as God’s gift. However, I also hope and pray that people will someday learn, not just to like me, but to respect me as well. I think most people these days see me as a “nice girl” who doesn’t get angry or hurt, which is probably why people often treat me kindly, but dismissively. I’ve experienced dismissive treatment in different areas of my life the past few years, including family and friend social circles, work, and ministry. But the truth is, I’m not really a “nice person” by nature; I’m actually a hot-headed, self-centered person by nature. I just don’t want to hurt others by showing them my anger and hurt so I ask God to help me overcome my selfish nature for the love of others. But maybe because people are not even aware that it is a struggle for me not to react or retaliate when they treat me insensitively, they often think it’s perfectly okay with me. Um, no.
“It’s just Lauren!” is how I feel sums up the way a lot of people treat me most of the time. I feel like a little sister (or a pet! Puwedeng cat?!) most of the time: Someone many people are fond of and are nice to and sometimes even spoil and indulge, but not someone people respect or take seriously. Can we just keep the first fun part, and lose the second annoying part? Lol.
C. MY OWN SELF AND MY OWN PERSONAL LIFE CHOICES
At the end of the day, I take the main responsibility for the state of my physical and mental health. Because whether other people treat me well or not, it’s up to me how to react to it, how to deal with it, and whether to accept or avoid it. My personal life choices are my own. And most importantly, it’s up to me how to take care of my physical, emotional, spiritual and mental well-being. And overall, I admit I didn’t take good care of myself the past several years.
1. It Was My Personal Choice to Put Up with Hurtful Behavior and Toxic Elements Because I Thought it was the Right Christian Thing To Do.
a) It Was My Personal Choice to Put Up with Crappy Treatment.
One reason why I returned to God after being an agnostic for a few years as a young adult was because I was overwhelmed by the grace that my family and friends showed me even if I didn’t deserve it. After I decided to follow Jesus again, I wanted to show grace to others too. God’s grace shown by loving people really amazed me and made me want to become a better person. And so while I hardly put up with unpleasant behavior for most of my life, as an adult, I started to try to put up with crappy treatment for a good cause: for the sake of showing God’s grace to others. It was not because I valued myself less than I used to, thanks to the healthy sense of self-respect instilled in me by God through years of loving treatment by my family and friends, but because I wanted to pass on the grace that I have received. I thought it was the right Christian thing to do to put up with other people’s behavior even if it was not respectful. But I think I took the turn-the-other-cheek command from the Bible (Matthew 5:39) a little too literally. Don’t get me wrong, I never was and never will be someone with an angelic disposition. I admit that I myself have also hurt other people’s feelings from time to time. It simply means that for someone who was used to being treated in the best way by most people for most of my life, I did my best to be more patient and understanding when people treated me in ways I would never have put up with in the past:
i) Kind but Dismissive Treatment from People Who Genuinely Love Me.
There are wonderful, golden-hearted people in my life, both family and friends, who have shown their love for me and my mom in many different ways throughout the years. Alam ko na we genuinely care for each other, even if we have our ups and downs. Since we have known each other for so long, however, perhaps we mutually take each other for granted in some ways. Some people who have known me for years sometimes tend to treat me in a kind, but dismissive manner. Perhaps because we are close, they don’t feel the need to be polite to me anymore. In one sense, they are right! If I am close to someone, I don’t actually want us to be polite and stiff with each other… ang boring naman kung ganun! I love the fun and comfortable way that we interact with each other. However, no matter how close people are to each other, I feel there should still be a basic and healthy respect for one another. It would be nice if we could still show basic courtesy to each other in different ways, such as replying to each other, consulting each other about matters that involve us both (instead of assuming we already know what the other person wants), thanking each other, and more. But at the end of the day, in spite of our ups and downs, what matters is that we genuinely love each other. And I continue to thank the Lord for them, the human treasures He has given me and my mom, full of love and grace and joy.
ii) Second-Class Treatment.
There are some people who are very good persons and who care for me in their own way, but by the way they treat me sometimes, I feel they do not fully value me as a person. They treat me more dismissively and less respectfully than other people in our joint circle that they respect more. They expect me to organize or help out for everyone else’s special events, but they don’t consider my own milestones as something worth making an effort for. They expect me to regularly listen and sympathize when they talk about even the most trivial things in their own lives, but they ignore me during the rare times I share about the highest of highs and lowest of lows in my life. (Although to be fair, while some people don’t show emotional support or make an effort during my special occasions, they show their care for me naman in other practical ways, which I do appreciate.)
Still, I’m starting to realize that some people only care for me as a supporting character in their lives and the lives of others whom they deem important, not as a person with my own life. Perhaps some of them are interested only in who I can be for them, not who I truly am.
Let me be honest: Hindi ako sanay sa ganyang klase ng pakikitungo. Among all the basic types of crappy treatment that I am describing here, this and the next one are the ones I am least familiar with because these are the ones that I would have least tolerated way back when I rarely tolerated less than the best treatment. It’s not because this treatment is worse than others – it’s actually milder than some of the other types – yet it’s the one that seems most pointless to me. Why? Because I was an all-or-nothing person when it came to friendship, and deep inside, I still am. I’ve always believed that what’s meant for me is meant for me so I never forced friendship while growing up. If someone wanted to be my friend, and it helped us both become better and happier people, then great! If someone didn’t want to be my friend, that’s fine too, no pressure. I suppose this led me to have few friendships at a time when I was younger, but these few friendships had high quality. Back then, I never saw the point of investing too much time in half-baked friendships where we didn’t really value each other that much or enjoy each other’s company that much. After I returned to Christ, however, I began to be open to more types of friendship, since I wanted to show grace to more people. I started to reach out to others or at least to reciprocate to the friendliness of the people around me, both new acquaintances and old acquaintances who were already in the same social circles, but I was not really that close to before. It was alright naman before, even if I didn’t receive the same amount of care from them as I did from other people whom I was closer to. After all, as long as there were some people whose friendship cheered and strengthened me, I felt emotionally full enough to show grace to others. However, as the years went by, it felt like more and more people showed me second-class treatment (even some of the people who used to treat me very well before) as more and more people considered me as a “nice and accommodating person”. I still love everyone, pero nakakapagod at nakakalungkot na rin minsan. Nakaka-miss yung full type of friendships that I was used to for so long and even took for granted before. And after everything, I’m not even sure if I actually helped others become better people by staying in social situations that made me unhappy. But I still love these friends of mine, and I pray that God will help me to be more understanding with them, since they themselves have been patient with me with my own quirks and weaknesses (and I have a lot! Kaya bigyan natin sila ng award lol). And I know they love me too in their own way. I am thankful for them and for all the good memories we shared and for their thoughtfulness and kindness to me in many other ways.
iii) Ditching, Cliquish Treatment.
While I was growing up, the Lord surrounded me with best friends who stayed with me. Literally. This is the best example: I was such a slowpoke eater when I was a student that it took me half an hour to an hour to finish my food. Yet my friends and barkada would patiently wait for me to finish nibbling my lunch so that they would not leave me sitting alone at the table. Even during occasions when some of them had to leave earlier, they would assign at least one person from the group as my companion para hindi ako mag-isa. I got so used to my good friends waiting for slowpoke me that I thought it was just normal! It was only when I was an adult looking back at my past that I learned to appreciate that I was blessed to have friends with amazing patience and staying power haha. And to think, super bata pa namin noon!
Given my background, it’s not surprising if I’m not used to people ditching me because of cliquishness. And in the past, I rarely allowed myself to grow closer to people who regularly ditch others, because I don’t see the point of half-baked friendships. For me, you can just choose not to spend time with each other, if you don’t enjoy each other’s company that much.
Yet in the past few years, I occasionally allowed myself to grow close to people who are good, noble people and who are kind to me in many ways. Yet they can sometimes be hurtful because of their extreme cliquishness. There were times when we were together or had concrete plans of getting together, but at the drop of a hat, they would regularly ditch me and our other companions as soon as they see people who are closer and more precious to them. (To be fair, they don’t ditch me naman when I’m in the middle of a difficult situation. It’s just during the “regular” days).
Now, kilala niyo ako, I’m not the clingy type who needs people to stick by my side all the time, even if many friends did it voluntarily. And I understand that there are occasions when we have to leave the company of our friends, such as if we have prior engagements with other friends at a certain time or if another friend unexpectedly needs immediate help or if we need to take care of our own personal or family concerns. However, if we habitually ditch our friends whenever we see other people whose company we prefer better, I think it’s a sign that we don’t value or respect them fully.
For me at least, it’s basic courtesy to your fellow human beings, whether you are close friends or casual acquaintances, that you don’t just don’t abandon them for no good reason. In the long run, I think that friendships where you do not have even the most basic respect for each other might not help you bring out the best in each other. But I still love my friends. And I am grateful for the good moments that we shared and for all the goodness they have showed me in different ways.
iv) Unsympathetic Treatment.
There are some people who are good, kind people at heart, but they are not always sympathetic or sensitive when you are going through challenges which they themselves have gone through before. Although I know we’re not supposed to expect anything from others, I suppose it’s a natural human reaction to be disappointed when you thought someone can relate since you have both gone through similar trials. Still, I love my family and friends, and I pray that I will continue to accept them as they are, with all their strengths and weaknesses, in the same way that they also love and accept me for who I am, with all my strengths and weaknesses. I am thankful for them all and for how we have been an important part of each other’s lives and for the many ways they have shown grace to us.
v) Object-like Treatment.
There are people who are sweet and thoughtful in their own ways during the time you are together. Nakakalungkot lang when, later on, some of them simply drop you as if you don’t exist once you no longer have any use for them. Literally. I had a traumatic experience with some people whom we gave a lot of efforts for, yet when nagpaalam ako because we could no longer continue doing so, while there were a few kind souls who thanked me and said goodbye properly, most of them did not even bother to say even a simple goodbye. As in deadma. I know we’re not supposed to expect gratefulness from others, so I’m trying not to do so, although I admit it’s nice when others show appreciation, thankfulness or practical help. Or even basic respect. Still, it was a chilling experience to realize that you are just like an object to some people, whom they will keep when they need you, and simply discard you when you’re broken. (Although to be fair, hindi naman lahat ganoon. Some people remain loving and kind until the end). I felt hurt and disappointed at the time, but thankfully, I’m already starting to heal from that trauma. First, it was simply a relief to finally be released from the unhealthy situation that, while it made me sad in one sense, I was also just glad it was over in another sense. And more importantly, the Lord helped me to put things into perspective: there are still much more people who genuinely care for me than otherwise. He used this situation to help me appreciate those who truly love me. And at the end of the day, I truly wish the best for these people whom I still love and who have been a part of my life and who have helped me grow as a person.
vi) Admiring, Respectful, but Insensitive Treatment.
I am thankful for people who look up to me. I don’t even understand why they do haha. However, perhaps because others think I am stronger and better than I really am, they sometimes expect too much from me. While some are disappointed and hurt when I cannot always meet these expectations, some are thankfully understanding and compassionate too. Either way, I am humbled by their respect and admiration. Kaya kahit na nakaka-pressure siya, perhaps this is the type of crappy treatment that doesn’t hurt that much. Salamat po sa inyo. Love ko kayo.
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However, I just want to clarify that while I put up with milder forms of hurtful treatment, I do try my best to defend my Mama Uni and myself from directly harmful behavior:
vii) Intentionally Mean, Cruel and Harmful Behavior.
While I have been blessed to be surrounded by basically good people for most of my life, my mom and I are not exempted from the occasional encounters with people who intentionally and directly try to harm or hurt us over the years. We recently had one such experience last 2017, and while there’s no need to share the details, let’s just say that it was traumatic. The Lord and other people helped us get through it in the end, but I now realize that my efforts in trying hard to protect, shield and help my mom while undergoing that experience has drained me. I believe that my mental and emotional exhaustion during those intense months when I tried too hard to be strong and tough for my mom’s sake, while feeling so weak and alone, was a main factor that led to the return of my mental health challenges. Please pray that God will help me fully forgive people who have tried to harm us.
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I thought it was okay to put up with crappy treatment (at least crappy for my standards) since it was for a good cause. However, I now realize that hurtful behavior can still, well, hurt me if I choose to regularly expose myself to it for a long period of time, even if I have good intentions in putting up with it. I also realized that perhaps I am not always helping others either by tolerating hurtful behavior. Yes, grace does make some persons want to become better people. However, too much tolerance makes other people think that it’s okay for them to behave any way they want to. Perhaps I was not helping others become better people after all by being too tolerant.
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b) It Was My Personal Choice to Stay in Unhealthy Friendships, Relationships, and Social Situations.
When I was a kid and a teenager, it was my habit to cut off friendships and relationships with friends and even family members if I felt like they didn’t care for me. When I grew up and grew closer to Christ, I resolved that I would do my best not to push people away anymore. Looking back on the past several years, I think I went too much to the other extreme naman. While I think it’s a good thing that I don’t quickly give up on friendships anymore when things get rocky, I think I should have at least learned how to put reasonable boundaries when relationships become unhealthy, for everyone’s sake. Even when I was not happy anymore, I chose to stay and to keep on staying again and again because I thought it was the right Christian thing to do. More importantly, I chose to stay out of love for my family and friends. But I’m now realizing that there are different ways to show love. Perhaps, in some cases, it might have been better for me and my loved ones to choose to temporarily give space to each other at times so we can have time for our selves to heal and our relationships to mend.
c) It Was My Personal Choice to Prioritize Other People Over Myself in an Unhealthy Way.
I’m far from perfect and I’m selfish in some ways. (I like taking pictures and videos during social gatherings. And I am aware that some are annoyed when I take pictures and videos. But even this is not a simple selfish whim as it seems. I have my deeper reasons for desiring documentation, which I will explain someday). However, in terms of time and effort, I did my best to put others first the past several years, at least in comparison to my younger years, when I mostly put myself first. But years of running around like a headless chicken trying to do something for everyone has taken its toll on me. I now realize that I should prioritize myself too, because it’s only if I stay healthy and happy, that I can help other people become happy and healthy as well. I can only give joy to others out of the overflow of my heart. Right now, wala na akong maibigay. I need time to recover, recharge, heal and mend.
d) It Was My Choice to Invalidate My Problems, Feelings, and Ultimately, My Well-being for Several Years.
For several years, I thought that, as a Christian, whenever I was having problems, I should still be thankful because there are other people who have bigger problems than me. While that is true in one sense – I really should still be thankful and there really are other people who have bigger problems than me – I am only realizing now, that just because other people have problems, it doesn’t negate the truth that I have problems too. Other people’s pain doesn’t invalidate my own pain. I shouldn’t have ignored my problems, feelings, and my well-being just because these are not as great as other people’s. After all, just because someone else is having a leg amputation, it doesn’t mean that we should not treat a wound on our leg anymore, just because it is a more minor injury in comparison. Even as I tried to think of other people’s well-being, I should have taken better care of my well-being too. I should have sought healing before things got to this point. But anyway, it’s not too late to start now.
2. I Wasn’t Able to Nurture a Few Healthy Relationships, Because I Tried Too Hard to Be There for Everybody.
After years of being blessed to be surrounded by best friends and best barkadas and best family groups, I realize that I don’t really have a core group anymore at present. Although the people in my life and I still care for each other, it’s just not the same anymore. As I’ve shared above, life changes are one main reason why my social landscape has radically changed.
In one important sense though, I myself am one of the main reasons why I don’t have that much active friendships anymore. Kasi sa totoo lang, marami rin naman nag-reach out in friendship sa akin these past few years. I realize that I tried too hard to be there for everybody, that I wasn’t able to focus on a few key people and to make an effort to regularly nurture and deepen my friendships with them. It’s as if I was a gardener who tried to take care of a lot of friendship plants in a very big field. But I wasn’t able to nurture all the plants properly since they were so many, and so majority of the plants didn’t grow fully or simply withered.
Thank you to everyone who has reached out to me in friendship the past several years. Thanks to my relatives and old friends who tried to reconnect with me and my mom. Thanks to my new friends who have tried to connect with me and to unexpectedly show me support kahit di pa tayo matagal magkakilala. Alam niyo, it’s just now that I am writing this that I realize na, teka muna, marami-rami rin pala kayo and I’m blessed that a lot of you made an effort to connect with me. Shucks, shucks, shucks. I’m truly sorry if I wasn’t able to reach back fully and regularly, guys. I guess I was confused and tired na hindi ko alam kung sino ang uunahin ko at kung paano. But habang sinusulat ko ito, bigla akong na-overwhelm with thankfulness. And a little bit of regret, kasi if I had just managed my friendship life differently, perhaps I wouldn’t feel as disconnected to the world as I do now. Haha kaya siguro sinadya ni Lord na wala akong love life ngayon; friendship life pa nga lang eh di pa ako expert! But anyway, tapos na yun. I’m going to start over again when I’m better. So bahala na si Lord how He will rebuild my social world again.
I pray that the Lord will bring me where and to whom I belong again someday.
3. I Allowed Social Media to Take Up a Lot of My Time, to Pressure Me, and to Warp My Sense of Reality.
I am thankful for social media, and overall, I don’t regret that I finally joined Facebook several years ago after resisting it for so long. It has helped me to connect, to remain connected, and to reconnect with people in my life in some important ways. It has also helped me in practical ways, such as making it easier for me to coordinate about events and to share photos with others the past several years.
However, I realized that I gradually allowed social media take up too much of my time. One reason is that a lot people requested me to share our photos through Facebook so I spent hours and hours arranging and posting online photo albums (to be fair, I myself wanted to upload photos at the time, not because Gandang-ganda sa Sarili a.k.a. G.G.S.S. ako, pero kasi gusto ko may online backup yung pictures). Another reason is that I obliged myself to be updated on the major happenings in my family and friend’s lives, as a simple way to show that I care for them, so I spent hours scrolling my newsfeed (although I did my best not to do this whenever I was bonding with people in real life). Kaya lang, it came to the point that I was spending too much time on Facebook, hanggang pati ako na-umay na rin.
I also realized that being active in social media has made me feel extremely pressured because I suddenly became more accessible to a lot of people. Before I joined social media, the only people who contacted me before were the ones who would make an effort to see me in person or to call or text or email (ang old school haha). After I started participating in social media, it became easier for a lot of people to message me if they needed something from me. It’s not that I’m not happy to help, but I felt more and more overwhelmed by the numerous requests that suddenly poured in during the past few years. To be honest, medyo nagka-trauma na ako sa social messaging. Reading some messages sometimes made me feel so pressured that it triggered panic attacks, which sometimes caused my blood pressure to shoot up. Kaya minsan ayoko nang basahin at reply-an ang messages ko lately, in order to protect my health.
Finally, I realized that I gradually allowed social media to warp my sense of reality. I allowed social media to give me a false sense of connection with others. Even if I knew with my mind that likes and comments do not reflect our worth as human beings, one part of me felt that people cared when they reacted to my posts. It suddenly dawned on me one day when I was feeling lonely, that while it’s true that reacting to posts is a simple way to show that we are interested in what’s going on in the lives of others (and sometimes it’s the only way to do so if we live far away from our loved ones), it’s still just clicking an online button and typing on a online screen. And while I appreciate online reactions because words are one of my love languages, it’s still not the same as real-life efforts like spending real time with each other and helping out each other in tangible ways. It’s not the fault of social media itself, or the people who are interacting through it, but it’s just me: I was unconsciously trying to make online interaction a substitute for the real-life friendships that I have been missing.
In short, I still think social media has potential for good; this is not a “social media is evil” post. I just needed a break the past few months to regain my time and equilibrium, to give myself a breather from social pressure, and to clear my mind so I can have a clearer view of reality.
4. I Didn’t Take Good Care of My Body.
Epic fail ako in terms of taking care of my body last 2017.
a) Physical Exhaustion. For several years, I tired myself out, for my mom, for work, for ministry, for social activities, for volunteer work. I even jokingly said at the time na buti na lang at wala akong love life, kasi literally wala na akong free time para isingit ang love life at that time. I had too much activities and not enough rest and recreation.
b) Unhealthy Eating Habits. In fairness, I regularly ate vegetables and fruits at home. But I ate my fill of meat and junk food too. And during 2017, I renewed an old college habit: I started eating my favorite isaw and tenga ng baboy again haha. I think that this was one of the factors that led me to develop hypertension.
c) Several Months Break in Exercise. Last but definitely not least, I didn’t exercise regularly for several months in 2017 because a change in our personal circumstances made it hard for me to access my old regular jogging spot and I didn’t easily find a new one right away. And the loss of my exercise routine was crucial because, while I was exercising lightly but regularly during the previous years, my health still remained fairly okay in spite of other factors.
Anyway, that was then and this is now. I’m now trying to improve in taking care of my body this 2018!
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INTERLUDE
The End… of one chapter of my life. If it wasn’t for God’s grace, all of the above would have discouraged me to just give up completely. But while this is the end of one stage of my life, this is not yet the end of me. The Lord has put in my heart a love for life, in spite of all its ups and downs. I choose life. And it would be great if other people helped me. But whether they do or not, I will fight for life. I will fight for life, for God, for the people (and animals!) who love me, and last but not least, for my own self. So let this be… a New Beginning of a fresh chapter of my life.
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VII. HOW AM I TRYING TO IMPROVE MY PHYSICAL AND MENTAL HEALTH?
I have been trying hard to obey the command “Love your neighbor as yourself” (Matthew 22:39) the past several years. Failing a lot, yes, but still trying hard. However, I forgot that in order to love others as I love myself, I should love myself first. So I’m now making an effort to take better care of myself.
All of the efforts I am making to get better are geared towards both my physical health and my mental health since both are closely interconnected. I plan on writing about these efforts in detail in the future just in case any of you are interested in trying some of them or if you are simply curious to learn which efforts worked well and which didn’t (some people are actually already starting to ask me about some of these things, to my surprise!). For now, here is an overview:
A. Physical Efforts
1. Exercise and Fitness Activities. I am now trying to exercise more regularly. I began by resuming my old favorite exercise, the good old jog-walk. I also unexpectedly gained a new favorite fitness activity: Zumba! Yes, even if I suck at dancing haha (long story! Yes, I’m reaching new heights of tita-ness these days. This definitely deserves its own post later on). I’m now starting to do basic toning exercises as well, even if I find it somewhat boring compared to the cardio exercises which I enjoy. But yes, Zumba is my main exercise these days. Just sharing since some people are starting to ask me about my new fitness habits. (Sa totoo lang, di ako sanay na may nagtatanong sa akin tungkol sa exercise kasi couch potato ako for so long haha. But why not, chocnut?!).
2. Food and Diet Change. No, I have not and am not and do not plan on going on any starvation diet. Sa takaw kong ito! Wahaha. I’m embarking on a diet change, not a gutom-gutom diet-diet. In short, I’m simply trying to eat better and healthier.
I am trying to eat more vegetables and fruits. I still eat meat, but more of the lean part, than the skin or fatty part. I do admit that I still eat the skin of the chicken, if it’s Chicken Joy or Max’s or homemade fried chicken lol (I actually have my doctor’s permission to eat Chicken Joy occasionally! Para daw I don’t feel deprived).
Let me confess my main weakness when it comes to food though: I can’t stop eating chichiria, especially potato chips. That’s my weakness! I need crunchiness in my life. Sometimes, I just eat corn chip nachos with vegetable salsa as a substitute for my other favorite crunchy snacks. And speaking of substitutes…
I’m going for substitution instead of deprivation. I substitute some of my basic food for healthier or at least less unhealthy versions. Since some people have been asking, here are a few examples of substitutes: I eat black rice instead of white rice at home (I still eat white rice if I’m eating out), Pero, the malted barley, chichory and rye coffee substitute instead of coffee, and as I shared earlier, fresh homemade vegetable salsa (sometimes we use apple cider vinegar as the base para healthier) as a partner for nachos instead of store-bought dips, etc.
3. Health Supplements. I take health supplements which have a positive effect on my health, which I noticed through regular consumption. The supplements that I have taken the longest are Re:vive (noni herbal wine) and apple cider vinegar (mixed in water with honey). I am now also taking other supplements which we have discovered more recently, particularly Atomy products, such as Hemo Him (herbal juice paste in sachets), fish oil (capsule form), and Vitamin-C (powdered form). Just to be clear, this is not a paid advertisement lol. I’m recommending them because I personally experienced that they are a big help to my health, especially with my blood pressure, digestion, weight management, skin complexion, and more.
4. Time Change. Most of you know that I am a night owl by nature. And while I don’t think I will ever be an early bird, my time clock has changed and normalized somewhat the past several months, with the help of Zumba (long story). In general, I now sleep earlier and wake up earlier, at least for my standards. Of course, I still sleep in during my rest days or if napuyat ako sa pagsusulat (although I’m trying to minimize the overnighters since it’s not good for the health pala) kaya walang gisingan hehe. (To be honest though, I’m starting to sleep late again just this September, since I have a lot of things I need to finish. But I’ll do my best to return to sleeping earlier again as soon as things slow down! To my surprise, hindi na rin ako ngayon sanay magpuyat ng tuluy-tuloy.)
B. Social Life Changes
You know I love you all and I love spending time with you. However, although I generally enjoy being with my family and friends, I have to admit that some types of social interactions have been a big source of stress for me lately. That’s why I have had to make changes in my social habits during the past several months for the sake of my health.
1. Less Time with Others.
I do miss everyone. But I still need more time to miss everyone even more. You know I have done my best to be there for you the past several years. After realizing through an important learning experience that most of my family and friends showed me their love by giving me their time, I gained my favorite name of the Lord: “Emmanuel”, which means “God with us”. I also gained a new motto: “Love is spelled T-I-M-E”. That’s why I did my best to keep staying with everyone, even in social situations where I was unhappy. But I realized that, if physical wounds won’t heal if the wounded areas keep getting hit again and again, my emotional wounds probably won’t heal properly as well if I don’t give myself a break from social situations which aggravate the wounds. I need to let my wounded spirit heal first before I fully plunge back into socializing. I need to spend less time with others for now, so that when I am better, I can spend more quality time with others again in the future. I need time to heal.
Just to be clear: I only mean I’ll be spending less time with others, not absolutely zero time with others. I don’t plan to be a hermit and hide out in the mountains (though the thought has crossed my mind haha). I hope to resurface in the real world and online world occasionally, with God’s help. Some of you will probably still see me from time to time, not just as often as you used to. And here’s a hint: some of you might actually see me soon!
2. Less Time on Social Media.
As I shared earlier, I gradually allowed social media to eat up a lot of my time, to make me feel extremely pressured, and to warp my sense of reality. While I still think social media has potential for good, I really needed a break from it to regain my time and equilibrium, to give myself a breather from social pressure, and to clear my mind so I can have clearer view of reality. These are the reasons why I have not been active on social media and messaging for several months already, although I resurface for important occasions from time to time. In fact, I felt the need for a break so keenly that I just took a break without making paalam properly, which was something I don’t usually do.
And you know what? My break from social media has helped tremendously. It gave me more free time… and you might be surprised to learn that most of the free time that I used to spend on Facebook, I have spent… exercising. Gasp! Hahaha. Seriously, this former couch potato (well, I still am one sometimes) is now enjoying fitness activities. Moving my body (kahit naaalog ang bilbil ko wahaha) is such as refreshing change from being hunched over my computer, not just for work, but also for social media. I feel much less pressured. And best of all, I feel much happier and more alive! Spending more time in the real world instead of in the virtual world makes me feel like a kid again, when my life was simpler and more real.
3. More Time by Myself.
I need to spend more time with one of my favorite persons in the world: myself.
Even as a kid, I have always enjoyed my own company extremely. Although I also had fun playing with other kids, I could spend hours and hours amusing myself – by reading books, by conducting science experiments, by drawing, doodling and coloring, by scribbling and writing stories and songs, by exploring places on my own, even just by daydreaming while staring into space (oo, may sariling mundo talaga ako kahit noong bata pa ako lol), etc. While growing up, I did spend time with others, but only if I wanted to. Unlike many Filipinos who will put up with a lot of things just so they won’t be alone, if I wasn’t especially happy with the company, I would much rather prefer to be alone. Even during the times when I had best friends whom I loved spending time with, there were still times when I would wish to spend time apart from them so I could have time by myself.
When I recommitted my life to Christ as an adult, I found myself spending more and more time with others because I felt like they needed me. Ayoko na kasi bumalik doon sa old me that pushed people away, pero nasobrahan yata in the other extreme. While I do genuinely enjoy other people’s company, there was still a part of me that was an introvert, which felt the loss of the lack of me-time. I think I became emotionally and mentally drained by ignoring the needs of the introvert in me. Finally, it came to the point, that while I was surrounded by so many people, I felt so alone and lost. Yet I continued to spend time with others, not because I wanted to, but because of love for God and others.
Yes, I am one of my own best friends, yet I have not spent as much time with myself as I wished the past several years. And I realized how much I missed myself, only after I started spending a lot of time with myself again, and it felt like I was experiencing a happy reunion with a favorite friend whom I haven’t seen in a long time. (“Beeesssss! Kamusta ka na?! Na-miss kitaaaaa!!!).
My choice to start spending a lot of time with myself again lately has been one of the best decisions I ever made. It was one of the best ways which helped improve my physical and mental condition a lot. As soon as I started enjoying my own company once more, I almost instantly felt more happy and more light and more free. I feel like I turned into a child again. Simple pleasures – staring in awe at the blue sky, feeling the warm sunlight on my skin, gazing at flowers (especially pink ones, of course!), feeling my body come alive as I dance like a crazy person, feeling like I’m flying as I dance like no one’s watching – have brought a lot of unexpected happiness to me these past few months. Now that I’m spending more time in the real world than in the online world, my physical senses are now keener and sharper. I feel much, much more alive. I hope to write a whole post about it someday.
4. More Time with Cutie the Cat.
Some people may laugh at us and wonder why we fell in love with what others might consider an ordinary “pusakal” (a.k.a. “pusang kalye”). Even Mama Uni and I laugh at ourselves sometimes lol. But for us, this ordinary cat is a very extraordinary one.
Cutie was a very big help to me throughout my journey towards healing. There were many times when I would feel down, and my kitty would do something sweet or silly or makulit or unique, which would wipe away my frown and make me burst into laughter instead.
And of course, we simply love Cutie the Cat for who she is. And the Cute-ings too!
Talagang “hulog ng langit” si Cutie sa amin… literally!!! I’ll tell the story of how God gave us our baby cat someday. Mama Uni actually wants me to write and draw an illustrated book about Cutie hehe.
So for now, it’s goodbye to the social butterfly version of myself that you once knew, and hello to a new version of myself who is more introverted, one who is similar to a younger introverted version of me, but more friendly this time around.
VIII. HOW CAN YOU HELP?
I am thankful for everyone who has helped me, not just in this healing journey, but also in past healing journeys. At this point, I am not requiring anyone to actively help me get better, but I am requesting that you please give me the chance to help myself. Just in case there are some of you who do want to help me recover faster, here are some ways you can do so:
1. Please Be Understanding. Please be understanding now that I am not that active in the real-life social world and in social media, with the exception of work (coming soon!) and a few special occasions. During this period, please understand if there are times when I cannot fulfill some of your requests, accept some of your invitations, reply to most of your messages, react to almost all of your posts, share our photos, and more. (I feel especially sad for not being able to greet a lot of people on their birthdays this 2018. Pasensiya na). I really do wish I could accommodate everyone, but I need to minimize my activities for the sake of my health and well-being. I hope you don’t take it personally, since my break is a general thing and not specific to any single person or group.
I will do my best to be there for you whenever possible, but if there are times when I cannot, I will not try to pressure myself to do so anymore. I hope you understand that I will be conducting my life differently, kumpara sa kung ano ang dati nating nakasanayan, during this period of healing and recovery.
2. Please Don’t Pressure Me. Even up to now, it’s alright naman to ask and request if I can do something for you, just please don’t pressure me to do so. I will try to help you if I can, but if I can’t, I hope you can try to understand. I really need to minimize the pressure in my life for my health’s sake.
3. Please Don’t Pressure My Mom. I know my mom probably doesn’t want me to say this, because up to now, she still wants to do what she can to help and accommodate others. But I also know that it’s not always easy for her to do so. And if she feels pressured, I also feel pressured, because that’s how close we are. So please go easy on my mom too, for her sake and mine.
4. Please Don’t Assume. Please don’t automatically assume that I will say “Yes” to a request or an invitation. But please don’t automatically assume that I will say “No” either. While I am minimizing my activities, there are times when I can do some things and go to some events din naman. It depends on how I am feeling and how I am doing, which can change from day to day. So please feel free to ask me if you have a request or invitation. Pwede naman pong magtanong haha.
5. Please Show Basic Respect. I understand that different people have different definitions of basic respect. Pero ganito lang naman ka-simple yun: Simply treat others the way you would like others to treat you.
6. Please Don’t Raise Your Voice at Me. You can talk to me properly if you have a problem with me. There is no need to raise your voice at me, most especially if I am not doing anything to you. This is not merely a pride matter, as in “Wala kang karapatang sigawan ako!” (although totoo rin naman iyon, pero never mind. Parang pang-telenovela ang peg lol), but a health matter. Loud, angry, high-pitched voices literally make me palpitate.
In case you do raise your voice at me because of a burst of emotion when we are having a disagreement, I totally understand. Even if I’m not proud of it, I admit that I myself have raised my voice at others many times over the years when I get too emotional. However, if I already request that you please cool down so we can deal with each other civilly, and you continue to raise your voice at me again and again, I have decided that from now on, I will leave, not to be rude, but simply to avoid getting palpitations.
In the distant past, I would not just have shouted back at you, but I would have shouted louder lol. In the recent past, however, I have tried to work things out with people who continuously raise their voices at me, only out of love for God and the person. However, staying in a social situation where someone keeps shouting at me has already caused me palpitation episodes several times. No more. I will simply walk away, not because I do not care about you, but simply to protect my health. We can always work things out someday when you are calmer. I do want to be at peace with everyone as much as possible, but I have to reduce my stress and avoid people with high toxic levels for now.
7. Please Don’t Judge Me. I do appreciate people’s concern and good advice, but sometimes, it’s draining when people say judgmental things, even if they do so with good intentions.
8. Please Don’t Invalidate Me. I do appreciate people’s well-meaning attempts to make me feel better by telling me that I should be thankful since other people, including themselves, are experiencing bigger problems than me. You are right in one sense. Maybe your problem really is bigger than my own. But other people’s greater pain does not invalidate my own pain or my need for healing. I have already invalidated my self for several years. I would be grateful if you do not invalidate me as well.
9. Please Refrain from Messaging Me if You Don’t Plan to Reply to My Reply to You. It’s normal to do this from time to time. Kahit ako rin nakakalimutan ko naman mag-reply minsan. Pero when others do this consistently and repeatedly, it sends the signal that you don’t really respect the other person’s time and effort in participating in an online conversation that you yourself started. Kung ako yung naunang nag-message, mas maiintindihan ko pa kahit di kayo mag-reply kasi choice niyo yun eh (although I appreciate it when people acknowledge my message). I know it’s not that much of a big deal to other people. But this is one of my pet peeves. Ayoko siya talaga. It’s one of the factors that led me to be traumatized by social messaging. Kaya ngayon, halos di na lang ako nag-me-message para tahimik na lang ang buhay. So pagbigyan niyo na lang ako, please.
10. Please… Quit Playing Games With My Heart. Whuuuuuut?! Bakit may naligaw na boy band song dito?! Wahaha. I’m not gonna elaborate on this since the single life is not the focus of this post. And matagal na akong walang love life. Just saying this for future reference: I prefer straightforward, honest friendships to confusing, vague mind games. That’s all for now because that’s a different post for a different time.
11. Please Give Me Space. If for some reason, you cannot avoid repeatedly doing certain things that hurt or pressure me, please give me space at least. Kahit temporarily lang, so I can heal properly. We can reconnect naman again someday when I’m better.
12. Please Don’t Be Alarmed by This Post. I am writing this, not because I feel hopeless, but because I am doing what I can to get better in faith, so I can live longer and so we can have the chance to all be together again in the future.
13. Simply Listen. I deeply appreciate it when people simply listen. Minsan yun lang naman ang kailangan natin eh.
14. Simply Be Kind. A little kindness goes a long way. Kaya salamat po sa lahat ng nagpakita ng kindness and consideration sa akin, whether family, friends, or even random strangers. Nakaka-encourage at nakakabigay ng lakas ng loob.
15. Simply Love. No need to explain.
IX. WHY AM I SHARING THIS NOW?
1. I Am Sharing This for the Lord, Because I Strongly Believe the Lord Wants Me to Do So and This is My Way to Obey Him.
Sa totoo lang, I don’t really want to do this right now, if it was just up to me. First of all, I don’t really feel like sharing all of this at this point. It’s been a such a refreshing change to be relatively quiet online and in real life during the past several months I’ve been on a social break. I feel like I’m going out of my recently established comfort zone in order to do this, especially since this is probably the most detailed and most personal post I have ever written. Aside from this, I actually have a lot of work stuff I’m taking care of at the moment. “Lord, kailangan talagang ngayon na?!” I groaned during one of my prayer times. Finally, I don’t understand why I have to do this in the first place.
But the thing is, the Lord won’t give me peace whenever I stop working on this post (post or libro? Sa sobrang haba, parang book na ata ito haha) or whenever I consider just putting it off until the work pace slows down. So I will just trust that He has a good reason for asking me to do this. And I will just plunge in and do it.
2. I Am Sharing This for the Sake of Other People.
a) I Know that There are People Who Genuinely Care and Who Want to Understand What’s Going on With Me. I Am Sharing so That They Will Understand my Real Situation Better.
I know that there are people who love me, but who unintentionally cause me stress, not because they don’t care, but only because they are not aware of what I’m currently going through. I know that there are people who love me, who have already been helpful in the past, and who want to continue to help in the future, so they want to know what’s going on with me. For their sake, I am sharing so they can understand my real situation better.
b) I Am Sharing This for the Sake of Other People Whose Loved Ones are Going through Similar Physical or Mental Health Challenges, Especially Mental Health Conditions.
Although different people have different types of physical and mental health conditions and have different ways to react to, adapt to, and recover from them, I pray that my sharing will help you to understand, even just a little better, your loved ones who are going through similar challenges. And to give you hope that there is hope for the people you care for.
c) I Am Especially Dedicating this Post to Other People Whose are Personally Battling Similar Physical or Mental Health Challenges, Especially Mental Health Conditions, Such as Depression, Anxiety Disorder and More. This Post is Also for Those Who are Feeling Sad or Overwhelmed Because of Too Much Problems and Pressure.
This one’s for you. Yes, for you. If you feel like you can relate, then you are the one this post was especially written for. God knows who you are even if I don’t. Mahal ka Niya kasi kinulit Niya akong isulat ito lol.
I am not going to advise you to do this or do that. Only you can best discover how to best take care of yourself. Take what works for you from my post and leave the rest behind. But I hope that my raw and honest sharing will help you to realize that you are not alone. And that there is hope for you. For all of us. So I pray that you will choose life.
3. I Am Sharing This for Myself.
a) I Know That There are Risks Involved in My Decision to Share about Myself, But I Think It’s Worth Taking the Risk.
I am aware that sharing about my physical and mental health challenges might possibly affect my professional life. I understand that it could cause people to hesitate to offer me work opportunities and potential projects in the future.
I am also aware that my honesty in sharing might possibly affect my personal life. I understand that it could cause people to distance themselves from me and my troubles, especially for those who only like the happy or useful version of me. I understand that it could cause other people to judge me or to misunderstand me even more.
I’ve prayerfully decided to take the risk anyway. I wish for openness and clarity after months of vagueness and misunderstandings. After all, I believe that the Lord will still continue to give me the right work projects and that He will still give me the right people in His perfect time and in His perfect way, no matter what.
b) I Want to Share a More Realistic Version of Myself.
I am now starting to understand that I am unintentionally projecting a version of myself that is happier and stronger than I am in reality, through the nature of my social media posts and through my physical appearance. I am now starting to understand that perhaps people expect a lot from me and request a lot of things from me because the way I post and the way I look makes it seem that I am perfectly well and okay. Through this post, I am trying to share a more realistic version of myself.
I am a private person by nature. While I have started sharing more these past 6 years after I finally went on social media, my sharing tended to have a social, positive, and general nature.
Back when I was active in social media, I usually posted about social activities, mainly to share our photos with the people I spent time with and to keep our common relatives or friends in the loop.
I usually posted only when I had something positive or interesting or funny to share. It’s not that I wanted to ignore the reality of the problems that I was facing, but I usually just feel like sharing to a wider audience whenever I feel like I can encourage others or brighten their day, and I don’t normally feel like sharing publicly when I feel down kasi ayoko na mangdamay ng iba, preferring to share my pain and worries only with close relatives or friends instead.
During the rare occasions that I post about a problem in order to request for prayers or help, I only usually give general information, and not personal, specific details, which I reserved for close relatives and friends only.
While it was never my intention to sugarcoat my life, I think I unintentionally made people view myself as happier than I really am and my life as better and easier than it really is, because of the nature of my posts.
Another reason why people believe I am stronger, healthier and perkier than I really am is because of the way I look. In general, I don’t look sick at all. On the upside, some people say I look blooming. Even on the downside, when some people say I look fat, my chubby cheeks probably still make me look healthy haha. On most days, I don’t look depressed either. I can still smile and laugh genuinely during the moments when I don’t feel depressed, because in spite of everything, I still have the capacity to enjoy life, by God’s grace. Plus, I don’t feel the need to maintain an emo look lol. While I am thankful that I normally don’t look the way I feel, it makes it harder for other people to absorb that I have physical and mental health challenges. (Still, it doesn’t mean that I’m going to make an effort to make myself look sick and depressed para lang maniwala ang mga tao haha. There are days when I look naturally crappy enough, on bad hair and skin days, so no effort needed lol).
Writing all of this is just my way to help people understand how I really am and what I am really going through.
c) I Don’t Want to Cause Misunderstandings Because of Vagueness in My Sharing.
I realize that my tendency to share general information can cause misunderstandings. I am now starting to understand, that if I am vague when talking about my medical condition, people might misunderstand and think it is much more serious than it really is (just to clarify, I don’t have any typical terminal illnesses like cancer) or much less serious than it really is (baka akala ng iba may sinat lang ako. O patay na kuko haha. Char!). Even if I am not very comfortable about sharing some details about my health, I will just do so now because I would rather have the information come directly from me rather than have other people make random guesses and speculations or rather than they base their knowledge on well-meaning, but inaccurate second-hand information.
d) I Am Sharing for the Sake of Catharsis.
I just want to finally get everything out of my chest!
For so many years, I repressed a lot of my true feelings and thoughts. I was so busy running around trying to do everything for the Lord, for my mom, and for others, that I never truly stopped long enough to take the time to ask myself how I was really doing, how I was really feeling, and what I really wanted. I was always surrounded by so many people and so many voices that I could barely hear my own thoughts.
After I took a social break, I finally had time to listen to myself. There was finally enough silence for me to hear my thoughts and feelings.
Here are some of my feelings and thoughts, now being released after several years of repression. Kaya siguro ang haba nito kasi naipon ng ilang taon hehe.
This is the most honest post I’ve ever shared so far.
e) I Am Sharing This to Let Go of the Past, so I Can Move on Towards the Future.
I am writing all of this, not because I want to dwell on everything, but because I wish to release what is in my heart, to forgive and ask for forgiveness, to let go and move on. I am still recovering from past wounds, but I don’t want to be bitter, so I just want to admit I was hurt, forgive, heal, and move forward. I will always be thankful for the beautiful things in the past, but I want to fully live in the present now, and to start preparing for the future.
This catharsis, the process of releasing what’s in my heart and mind, is an important step in my healing process.
And wow. I feel so much lighter after writing everything down.
X. HOW AM I DOING NOW?
It’s already been 10 months since my #Live4Infinity #LifeProject began. Although I have had my ups and downs, I am already starting to heal, both physically and mentally, by God’s grace. I have even graduated from being obese to simply being overweight haha. Yesss!!! But although I am getting better, I am still not completely well, so I need to continue to take care of myself so that I won’t have a relapse. I feel like a healing broken bone, with the separate pieces slowly knitting themselves together, but not yet firmly and fully fused together, so it still cannot bear the full impact and weight it was once able to bear. But at least I’m making progress! Please pray that the healing process will continue with God’s help.
XI. PLEASE FORGIVE ME. I FORGIVE YOU.
If there is anything I did to hurt any of you, mostly unintentionally but also perhaps a few intentionally (kung meron man that I’ve forgotten), please forgive me. While I have mostly written about how other people have hurt me, or how I have hurt myself, in this post, the truth is, the list of how I have hurt other people over the years is much, much longer. I do plan to write about it someday. But for now, please forgive me.
If there is anything you have done to hurt me, mostly unintentionally I believe and maybe a few intentionally, I forgive you, or at least I am in the process of doing so. The reason why I wrote this post is not to dwell on how others have hurt me or to lick my wounds. I just want to write them down once and for all so I can let them go once and for all. It may take more time to rebuild relationships with some than with others, but I hope to start over with everyone in my life sooner or later.
Someday, I hope to be at peace with everyone, as much as is in my power.
For those who would like to reconnect again someday, I would like that. I do miss you all. Thank you for your patience and understanding as I take time to heal for now. Let’s pray that I will recover completely soon so we can heal and rebuild relationships and friendships again one day, in God’s time.
For those who would like to distance themselves from me for any reason – whether because my presence in your life is not helping you grow or you are disappointed because you feel I am not being a good friend or relative to you these days or you are disappointed because I am not the superwoman or super Christian you thought I was or you simply find me annoying – I perfectly understand. I mean it. I will actually appreciate your honesty since it will help us both to simplify our lives. If you don’t mind, let’s still try to be civil when we run into each other (if you see me, please say hi to me since I am near-sighted and I might not see you). I wish you all the best as you live out your life in the best way possible.
To everyone, I pray that God’s grace will bring beauty out of our pain. Until all that is left when the pain is gone is the beauty.
XII. THANKS FOR EVERYTHING.
Because we have shared so much more good memories than otherwise, thank you, thank you for all the precious memories, my family and friends. This post about challenges and pain and forgiveness may be long, but wait until you see my thanksgiving book which I pray and plan to write someday! That will be way, way longer than this because, although there is pain in my life, there is much more blessings and beauty overall. And those blessings of God come mostly in the form of people (and animals!) in my life. At kayo iyon.
Thank you for being there for me in happy times and in sad times over the years. Thank you for teaching me to value myself by valuing me. Thank you for your constant love that instilled a strong foundation of self-respect in me since childhood that cannot fully be shaken by storms even up to now that I am already an adult. Thank you for reaching out to me in the past, even during the time when I was not capable of reaching out to anyone yet. Thank you for all the love, forgiveness, time, presence, laughter, tears, food, gifts, rides, craziness, and so much more. All of these, all of you, are still a part of me, even if I may not be as visible these days as I used to be.
And to the few people whom I expect will read this until the very end, thank you also for taking the time to read this post lol. Kahit halo-halo na ang metaphors ko kasi one metaphor is not enough to explain everything. At kahit super haba!!! (Out of curiosity, if you read this post until the end, can you please comment “I read everything” below? Just so I know kung sino ang mga nagtiyagang basahin ito. Kung meron man wahaha!).
XIII. GOODBYE. HELLO.
Sometimes, I wish I could be the person most of you have been used to the past few years: the bubbly, happy, energetic social butterfly. But in one sense, that person is gone. It was the real me for a while, but somewhere along the line, my cheerful face in the midst of all the overwhelming trials, pain and loneliness has hardened into a death mask. It has been a traumatic past few years and something in me seems to have died. But in another sense, that’s a very good thing, because something new in me has now come alive.
The past few months when I have been under the radar, I feel like a new person has emerged from the dead shell of my old self. It feels like the new me is still freshly formed though so I’m still very fragile. Since the latest version of myself is still new to my own self, not just to others, I’m still figuring out who this new me is. I hope it will be something in between the old me of my childhood and teenage years, who only cared about herself, and the old me of my adult years, who spread herself thin by doing a lot of things for many people. I hope this new version of my self will be something in between the older versions so that there will be balance.
So, in one sense, this is goodbye. And in another sense, it’s hello again. In faith, let’s pray that, when I return again to my social circles someday (to those na may babalikan pa ako anyway), I will be a better, stronger, and truly happier person in Christ.
You know what? After 10 months, I’m already starting to smile and laugh genuinely again. Please give me time to fully form lang, parang butterfly na bagong labas pa lang sa cocoon, buhay na pero di pa kaya fully lumipad.
Antay-antay lang. Until then, please understand if I will need more time by myself to heal and recover. But I hope to see you from time to time. And to be fully back again someday, Lord willing, as the new me.
XIV. I STILL LOVE YOU GUYS. LET’S HAVE A FRESH START.
Many things have changed, but one thing remains the same: I still love you all. Please pray that the Lord will teach me new, healthier ways of showing this love again someday. Let’s have a fresh start.
May God watch us all. Jesus loves us all.
Meowhugs,
Lauren 😻❤️💃🌳🌞🌊🌸👧🤗🐈
“Therefore if you bring your gift to the altar, and there remember that your brother has something against you, leave your gift there before the altar, and go your way. First be reconciled to your brother, and then come and offer your gift.” (Matthew 5:23-24)
“But for you who fear My name, the Sun of Righteousness shall rise with healing in its wings.” (Malachi 4:2)
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#Live4Infinity #LifeProject by #LaurenVMacaraeg #LaurenMacDoodles 🌟 : “PLS. HELP ME #LIVE4INFINITY: THE WHO, WHAT, WHEN, WHERE, WHY & HOW OF MY #LIVE4INFINITY #LIFEPROJECT” (Photos from 2018) Written on 09.08.2018. 😻❤️💃🌳🌞🌊🌸👧🤗🐈
#ProjectHEAL: #SocialBreak #SocialMediaBreak #2018 #Honesty #Openness #Catharsis #Forgiveness #ThankYou #Love #Forgiveness #MyFavoriteThings #Pink #Cats #Kittens #Outdoors #Fitness #HappyAwkwardDance
#ProjectTIME: #MeTime #SelfDate #ADateWithMyself #Family #Friends #LaurenAndMamu #MamaUniAndMe #MamaAndMe #CutieTheCat #Cutie #Cuteings #Love #LoveIsSpelledTIME #GodWithUs 🐈🐱😻❤️👸👧💃
To Follow Later On When I Get Better: #ProjectPICMIRACLE #ProjectTHANKYOU #ProjectHELLO
#MentalHealthAwareness #Healing #Recovery
#LaurenMacScribbles #LaurenMacKulit #KidsAtHeart #AmazingGrace
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I read everything. I love you, Lauren. I may not have been emotionally there for you these past few years, but I value you and your friendship. Thank you for all your kindnesses. Take care of yourself. Welcome back to introvert-hood. This is our hood, yo 🙂 I hate the phone, and I treat social media as a river of information in a somewhat dissociative way, so see you when you’re ready!
Wow, congratulations! I am both amazed and appreciative that you took the time to read my entire looooong post haha. 😲✏️🤓 Thanks for your friendship and manang love over the years, Jo. Thanks also for being understanding whenever I need time to heal and recharge, then and now. You know I’ll always love you guys too. Introverted Manangs rock! 👸❤️😻
Kitten therapy also rocks 😉 Go, go lang. Congrats on the fiesta family book 🙂
Or rather, “The Amazing Family Circus.” I have magical mystery tour and Payanig sa Pasig in my head for some weird reason, hehe. Can’t wait!
Thank you, Jo! 🐈 Yes, it would be great if you could read “The Amazing Family Circus” to Tita Maye. 📖 I hope she likes the bright colors! 🌞