By Lauren V. Macaraeg #LaurenMacDoodles
I am Lauren V. Macaraeg, author and depression survivor. Did you know that I battled with panic attacks before, during and after MIBF 2018? Alam kong hindi halata, pero it was only literally by God’s grace and the support of my family, friends, colleagues & cats (!) that I was able, not just to survive, but to actually enjoy my “The Amazing Family Circus” book launch & book signing at the 39th Manila International Book Fair (MIBF) last September 14 & 16. In some ways, I am still the bubbly, cheerful girl that most of you know (my sense of humor is an important part of who I am!), so it might not be obvious that I am struggling with mental health conditions such as anxiety disorder and depression. But I am. Our book launch & book signing is one of my first public appearances after almost a year of being on social break in real life & on social media. That is why I am thankful from the bottom of my nervous heart to all my family, friends & colleagues who encouraged and supported me in different ways, especially to those who were simply there for me. 🎪📖😻✏️🐈❤️🐕📚🤸🤡🌟🤗
Perhaps the Lord has blessed me, a girl with mental health issues, with the chance to publish my new book to give hope to others who are experiencing similar mental health struggles. If God can help me, He can help you too. If God can give me hope, not just in spite of my weakness, but even through it, He can give you hope too, no matter how weak or broken you may feel.
I have already written about my physical and mental health challenges in greater detail in my other Live4Infinity Life Project posts so I will no longer repeat everything here. I just wanted to share my MIBF experience to encourage others who may be going through similar mental and physical health struggles, as well as those who have loved ones who are experiencing such challenges.
My new book, “The Amazing Family Circus”, is dedicated to my cousin, Michael Mico Manotok, whom we lost at a young age because of depression. I pray that this book will honor Mico’s memory and his family, Tito Lito, Tita Emily Macaraeg Manotok and Mica, who all helped me and supported me during one of my major bouts of depression many years ago, through their family’s love, joy and kindness. I pray that this post will give hope to others who are also battling with mental health conditions.
Let me share some of my reflections about my experience at the 39th Manila International Book Fair last September 14 & 16, 2018 as an encouragement for all of you and also as a reminder to myself:
1. God still has a wonderful plan for us. To be honest, the months before MIBF 2018 were super stressful and tiring, as I kept trying to fix my paperwork and as I kept working while waiting in suspense to see which ones of my books-in-progress, if any, would be successfully published in time for MIBF. At one point, akala ko wala na!?! However, as I watched our kiddie readers enjoy “The Amazing Family Circus” during our storytelling activity last September 16, my heart was full of joy. I felt like all the hard work and waiting was worth it. The Lord allowed the right book to be published in His perfect time.
It’s easy to sense the reality of the truth that God has a wonderful plan for us when we feel strong and whole, but I understand that it’s harder to remember this when we feel weak and broken. To be honest, ako mismo naiisip ko minsan kung nakalimutan na ako ni Lord. But our emotional state doesn’t change the truth that God still has a purpose for our lives, not just in spite of our weaknesses, but maybe even through them. So let’s not lose hope.
2. We can follow our dreams right here, right now. By God’s grace, I was able to accomplish a good amount of work and paperwork this 2018, even as I battled with physical and mental health challenges at the same time. It really helped that I cut down on ministry activities and social activities for the meantime. While I was not able to totally avoid stress (wish ko lang!), at least the stress was lessened to a more manageable level, compared to my whirlwind lifestyle before.
We don’t have to wait until we are completely well before we start following our dreams, since healing is a long process. While it’s important to rest and to minimize our activities so that we can heal and recover, we don’t have to completely stop being productive, as long as it is on a level that we can handle. (Note to self: Wag naman sobra ha! I have a tendency to push myself way, way beyond my limits so I want to remind myself to be productive, but not to overwork myself again). Even if we can’t take flying leaps towards our goals, we can still take baby steps towards the fulfillment of our dreams.
3. Let’s be honest with ourselves. I know that some people may be hesitant to open up about their mental health struggles, since they are scared of being judged by others and even by their own selves. I understand. Napagdaanan ko rin yan. And let me be honest: While there will be some people who will accept you for who you are, there will also be some people who will judge you and misunderstand you. That’s part of reality. We don’t have it to take it personally. However, whether we are ready to open up to others or not, we have to be honest with ourselves at the very least. Accepting that we have a problem and that we need help is the first step to healing and recovery.
When I was experiencing anxiety attacks on the way to SMX Convention Center for my book events, it really helped a lot that I accepted that I was having panic attacks, instead of trying to deny it out of shame or guilt. It helped that I acknowledged what I was experiencing so I could pray to God and help myself and let other people help me, especially my supportive Mama Uni who was by my side the whole time.
4. Let’s not judge others based on first impressions. Other people may seem strong and confident in our eyes, but they are also just human beings like us. I may seem strong and confident in the eyes of others, but I am also just a human being like you. I bet most of you viewed me as a bubbly, self-assured person during our book launch and book signing. Pero kung alam niyo lang, sobrang kabado ako noon. Well, excited din naman ako, pero may halong kaba iyon. While I am thankful that I don’t look depressed, both in personality and looks (which I will not change just to make others believe I have mental health struggles lol), it does make my life a little more complicated. People still tend to have high expectations of me since I seem perfectly fine and okay. Well, in fairness, I really am much better these days. But please remember that I am still in the process of healing too so I would appreciate it if you would go easy on me. And since I am not the only one going through trials, let’s all go easy on each other since we don’t know what the people around us are going through.
5. Let’s not judge others based on their mental health conditions. On the other hand, let’s not go to the other extreme and completely lose our faith in people if we discover that they have mental health struggles. Deep down, they are still the same people as they were before, even if they are battling with mental health challenges. In fact, some of the best people I’ve been privileged to know – those with golden hearts who have great love for God and others – have also experienced mental health struggles. You’re in good company. If you are someone who has mental health conditions, I just want to let you know that I don’t judge you. I understand you.
Thanks also to everyone who has shown understanding and compassion whenever I open up about my mental health struggles. While I didn’t have the chance to discuss mental health issues with others this MIBF since all of us were super busy, I do remember other more laidback publishing events where, to my surprise, old friends and new friends alike showed sympathy and solidarity when we talked about my earlier mental health posts. Salamat po!
6. Let’s be kind to each other. We do not fully know what other people are going through. Let’s do our best to show kindness and understanding to each other. Or at the very least, let’s try not to make other people’s lives harder. Nagpapasalamat ako sa lahat ng nagpakita ng kabutihan sa amin ni Mama Uni. I’m not just talking about everyone who supported my new book this year, but even beyond, since there are also other times and opportunities when other people have been good to us as well. Unexpected kindness from my family, friends, and even strangers definitely makes me feel better at any point in time. Nakakagaan ng puso at nakakalakas ng loob. Kaya maraming salamat po sa inyo.
7. Let’s help ourselves. Yes, the Lord will always be there for us. Yes, other people who care for us will be there for us whenever possible. But there is another crucial ingredient to healing: We should also help our own selves. Without blaming ourselves for our mental health challenges, we can also take responsibility for our well-being. We can help ourselves improve the different aspects of our overall health, including our mental, physical and spiritual health. To prepare myself, not just for MIBF, but for the future in general, I made lifestyle changes in the hopes of improving my physical and mental health. And while I was not able to implement all these changes perfectly, my attempts at improvement did help. You can read more about my lifestyle changes in my other Live4Infinity Life Project posts. While I’m not recommending that you follow every single thing I did, since we each have different situations and different ways to heal, perhaps you can find some ideas that can inspire you to make your own lifestyle changes.
8. Let’s be thankful for our progress and let’s not be discouraged by occasional setbacks. When we embark on a journey of mental health recovery, I know how encouraging it feels whenever we successfully take steps forward towards healing. However, it’s only normal that we occasionally take steps backward too. Don’t be too discouraged whenever this happens. It’s really part of the journey.
For example, my panic attacks have significantly decreased during the past several months, after I made lifestyle changes. But I started experiencing panic attacks frequently again as MIBF approached. Sa totoo lang, nakaka-frustrate iyon. Pero in a surprising twist to my story, the Lord unexpectedly helped me to convert my anxious energy into productive energy that I was actually able to use during my book fair events! My “The Amazing Family Circus” book launch and book signing was one of the times when God helped me, not just to overcome my fear, but to be more than a conqueror of it. I’ll share more about this experience in the future. For now, what’s important is that it shows that a setback does not always equal hopelessness. It can even help us move forward, with the Lord’s help.
9. We can still enjoy life, right here, right now. Yes, even people like us who struggle with depression and anxiety disorder can fully experience and enjoy life. There’s no need to wait until we are fully well to do so. You may wonder why I can still laugh and joke a lot even if I have mental health challenges. It’s not an act. Those of you who know me well know how much my sense of humor is an essential part of my being. I will get bored if I don’t make myself laugh! While there really are moments when I feel down and depressed, there are also times when I feel just fine. And so I maximize those times by enjoying life the way I normally would. Just because it’s rainy season, it doesn’t mean you can’t go out and play at all. We can enjoy the outdoors whenever the rain stops and the sun comes out from behind the clouds. And sometimes, we can even dance in the rain!
With God’s help, I was able to enjoy the Chikiting Books launch and “The Amazing Family Circus” book signing (especially the funny storytelling activity with a surprise acrobatic exhibition haha!) in spite of the return of my anxiety attacks. It really helped that there were kiddie readers, colleagues, family and friends who enjoyed these events with me too.
10. We can still have hope for a brighter future. Let’s choose life. Whenever I experience happy times, both special work events like book launches & book signings and everyday moments (which are even more special to me!) like fun occasions with family & meaningful conversations with friends, I am thankful that I chose life and that I am now alive to experience everything with everyone.
I understand how easy it is to lose hope when many problems overwhelm us and when we have to deal with mental health conditions at the same time. But even if we don’t always feel it or believe it, God is preparing a bright future for each one of us. Let’s stick around to see it. If we stop reading a book in the middle of the story, how are we going to know how it ends? Our lives are far more interesting and meaningful than any story that a human writer like me can ever imagine or write. Let’s wait for the Great Author to finish writing our stories until the very end.
To all my family, friends, colleagues, staff and pets, thank you for being a part of my story and for making me a part of your stories. Love is spelled T-I-M-E. Both our circus-like adventures and our more serious moments are always a source of strength, joy and inspiration to me. I love you all.
Special thanks to those who have been there for me even during the difficult parts of my story. To Mama Laura Uni Macaraeg, who is always there by my side to calm me down whenever I literally shake with fear. To Cutie the Cat, who makes me laugh and forget my fears simply by being her fabulous, makulit self. To my Papa Ed Boy Macaraeg, who listens to me with understanding and concern as I talk and laugh and cry my heart out over video chat.
To the Great Author, the Lord Jesus Christ, thank You for writing my story! You can weave a story much better than any of us human authors can. But more than writing my story, thank You for being the best part of my story. I’m looking forward to the next chapter with You.
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“But we have this treasure in jars of clay to show that this all-surpassing power is from God and not from us.” (2 Corinthians 4:7) #2Corinthians47
“But He said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for My power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly of my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may rest upon me.” (2 Corinthians 12:9) #2Corinthians129
“No, in all these things we are more than conquerors through Him who loved us.” (Romans 8:37) #Romans837
“In Your presence is fullness of joy.” (Psalm 16:11) #Psalm1611
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“THE AMAZING FAMILY CIRCUS”
Story by: Lauren V. Macaraeg
Illustrations by: Randy P. Valiente
Publisher: Chikiting Books / Vibal Group, Inc.
Story translated in Filipino by: Lauren V. Macaraeg
#Event: “THE AMAZING FAMILY CIRCUS” Book Signing, Meet and Greet Session, and Storytelling Activity, September 16, 2018, 3:30-4:30 P.M. and Impromptu Book Signing after the Book Launch, September 14, 2018 with Lauren V. Macaraeg (author), and Randy P. Valiente (illustrator) @ the Chikiting Booth, 2nd Floor, between aisles A & C, SMX Convention Center, Mall of Asia (MOA), 39th Manila International Book Fair.
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#WritersLife x #Live4Infinity #LifeProject by #LaurenVMacaraeg #LaurenMacDoodles : “I AM LAUREN V. MACARAEG, AUTHOR & DEPRESSION SURVIVOR” Written on 09.26.2018 🎪📖😻✏️🐈❤️🐕📚🤸🤡🌟🤗
#MentalHealthAwareness #Healing #Recovery #JarsOfClay #2Corinthians47
#TheAmazingFamilyCircus #ChikitingBooks #VibalGroup #Vibal #BookLaunch #BookSigning #MeetAndGreet #Storytelling #NewBook #LaurenVMacaraeg #Author #RandyValiente #Illustrator #MIBF2018 #39thMIBF #MIBF #ManilaInternationalBookFair #BookProjectAFC #AllForHim #ToGodBeTheGlory
#Books #ChildrensBooks #BookInProgress #WorkInProgress #WIP #BookProject #TranslationProject #BehindTheScenes #BTS #BookwormBites #GeekyJoys #ReadersLife
#ProjectHEAL: #MyFavoriteThings #Work #Writing #Reading #Translating #Cats
#ProjectTIME: #Family #Friends #Readers #LaurenAndMamu #MamaUniAndMe #MamaAndMe #CutieTheCat #Cutie #Cuteings #Love #LoveIsSpelledTIME #GodWithUs 🐈🐱😻❤️👸👧💃
#LaurenMacScribbles #LaurenMacKulit #KidsAtHeart #AmazingGrace
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